6 months ago

“The ambivalence from the clash of voices results in mental and emotional states of perplexity. Internal strife results in insecurity and indecisiveness. The mestiza’s dual or multiple personality is plagued by psychic restlessness…..

Cradled in one culture, sandwiched between two cultures, straddling all three cultures and their value systems, la mestiza undergoes a struggle of flesh, a struggles of borders, and inner war. Like all people, we perceive the version of reality that our culture communicates. Like others having or living in more than one culture, we get multiple, often opposing messages. The coming together of two self-consistent  but habitually incompatible frames of reference causes un choque, a cultural collision.”

Gloria Anzaldúa- Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Metiza

I often feel sandwiched between two cultures when it comes to my biological family [reigning from Texas/Oklahoma/Arkanas] and background and my chosen family and current peer group. I feel like there are a lot of conflicting messages and ideals and I notice that my performance [gender, emotional, physical] changes a lot between the two and it can be really mentally tiring and is often why I don’t want to go home because I have to do this mental switch to better navigate my home environment [i.e. interact with my family and people from Ukiah in general]. Like, do I feel safe [emotionally, physically] straying from my prescribed [male bodied] gender role in Ukiah? Mostly no. I get this weird uncomfortable skin crawl-y feeling, like I can’t be who I am or act and interact with others like I usually do. Running into people from high school is also really weird because I have grown soooooo much and changed soooooo much from then to now, and they haven’t been privy to this growth and I’m not really sure of their level of compassion or understanding and all that.